


A Coarse and Rough Heart

by vaporwaveNico



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Dark, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force-Sensitive Finn, Multi, My very first het fic, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rating will likely be moved to mature later, Will add relationship tags as it goes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-01-17
Packaged: 2019-02-24 12:43:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13214013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vaporwaveNico/pseuds/vaporwaveNico
Summary: Rey deals with the emotional fallout of the events of The Last Jedi and begins to confront her own rising darkness. Certain members of the force have begun to notice Rey as well. Can Rey begin to rebuild the remnants of the Jedi without succumbing to the same darkness Luke and Kylo Ren did?Rey x Finn, dubious Rey x Kylo, force sensitive Finn





	1. Sand

**Author's Note:**

> this is the most self indulgent thing i've ever written. it is not obvious now, but it will be soon. it has the unfortunate combination of me wanting to write a darker fic, as well as me wanting to write some kind of prequel-sequel mash up combined with my terrible sense of humor. 
> 
> tw abuse, don't like don't read etc etc

 

                Darkness had always been building inside Rey. It was a rot inside her. Tendrils grasped at her chest, her shoulders. It was a heat: that spread down her arms and tensed her back muscles. A boiling mass underneath her skin, ready to lash out at an aggressive target. Darkness was a permanently clenched fist awaiting action.

That was unfair. Everyone had darkness inside them. Fear, anger, hatred; these were all normal human emotions. It was a reasonable response to feel fear after being left to die on Jakku. It was a reasonable response to feel anger at the parents who left her to die on Jakku. Any person would feel the way she did, given the circumstances.  

                Rey supposed not everyone could lift rocks with their mind.

 

* * *

              

 

The Millennium Falcon was a mess of the soldiers and technicians of the Resistance. They’d been in space for two weeks now; somehow undetected by the First Order. Sweat and dirt permeated the air, the sounds of arguing over planets and strategies rang down every corridor.  It was deeply strange for Rey. Her previous living quarters had been a gutted space ship (alone), a working space ship (mostly alone), and a hut on a desolate island (more or less alone). Constant barrages of noise and people were agitating. She’d get one page into the ancient Jedi codes and someone would be asking her how to fix this or _what did Luke say exactly, again_?, or _look Rey, BB-8 got a blaster modification!_ Rey hadn’t minded the first few times; company was a novelty, but she was getting irritated when it had been two weeks and she hadn’t even finished the first chapter of the dry (and Rey knew dry) texts of the Jedi.

The newest interruption had caught her attention, however.

“So Poe wants to try to get BB-8 a lightsaber.”

Finn sat across from Rey on her bed; she’d decided on semi-private quarters as a big important Jedi or whatever, sharing the room only with Leia. He twisted the old blanket in his hands over and over, turning Rey’s unmade bed into a very unmade bed. The dim light from the lamp caught the warmth of Finn’s face, casting a sunset hue on his dark features. Below them, BB-8 wobbled around the room, animated.

“…I see.”

It was a rare moment, that Finn or Rey had time to speak with each other each in a casual way. They’d stolen glances in the hallways, sat together while eating or discussing strategies, but actually talk to each other?

“You can do it, right Rey? Poe will be crushed if his droid isn’t force sensitive.”

Rey wondered if excessive BB-8 modification was how Poe and Finn were coping with the heavy losses of the resistance as well as the death of a galaxy hero. Finn was quieter, now. More serious. Poe was quiet and that wasn’t strange to her, but she’d been told he was a hot-shot pilot who’d personally mouthed off to Kylo Ren’s lapdog. It didn’t seem to match the image of a man sitting thoughtfully at the war table, brooding over his coffee before speaking.  

“I didn’t know BB-8 understood the ways of the force.” She sort of patted the droid. BB-8 seemed to pluck up, its little head swerving, beeping confirmation. “Oh you do know, don’t you?”

 BB-8 beeped at her again and Finn smiled. “He’s a good little guy. Maybe he can be your apprentice. Get him little robes. Or…”

 “Or?”

 His expression became serious, voice wavering a little. “I didn’t do too bad with a lightsaber either, did I?”

 Rey hadn’t considered that Finn might be able to feel the force as well. Well. Everyone _could,_ right? Everything was connected. Jedi didn’t need to be mysterious magic space heroes, they just needed to _feel it._ Maybe? She barely understood all of this herself. If only she had time to read a certain book…

Could the Jedi really come back? The full ramifications of what Luke said hadn’t really settled. Everyone was connected to the force. It was life and death itself. Everything. Could everyone harness everything? In a way that wouldn’t lead to more Kylo Rens in the world? A tenseness ran through her. Was it Luke that did it, or Snoke, or was Kylo just truly twisted beyond all redemption? Finn would never—

                “You still with me, Rey?”

Rey nodded. It was just an unpleasant thought, and unpleasant thoughts could be wished away. She looked at Finn. “Do you… feel it?”

He moved a little closer on the bed. “You’re talking about the force, right?”

“Yeah. If you… reach out, can you feel it?” She thought of Luke’s lesson. “Inside your head, I mean. Not with your hand.”

Finn frowned, looking at the blanket. “What do you mean?”

“I guess… close your eyes and try to sense the things around you. I wasn’t really sure either at first.” She took his hand, and Finn made an interesting expression that she didn’t quite understand. “Just feel. Don’t think.”

“Feelings…” Finn sighed, took a deep breath, and closed his eyes.

For thirty seconds, all Rey heard was the sound of his breathing. A sort of shallow breath, impatient in its purpose. She hadn’t let go of his hand, and it was hot against hers, which always felt chilled on spaceships.

Then his breathing slowed. As if matching hers, pulling her down into its comfortable pace.  Rey’s eyes drooped. Her body was comfortable.

Awareness seemed to expand: Finn beside her, concentrating so hard, BB-8, a little pulse of electricity, the people outside, talking and playing and arguing, Leia, shining like a beacon of energy. Life was everywhere, within each and every one of them. Even the Falcon had its own signature energy.

The stars, so far away, seemed to beam back their power, space itself was alive and waiting for them, out there, in the cosmos. Planets took on feelings, identities almost. Threads of matter and light were woven together, everything was _one—_

_Hello._

_\--Images of red warriors, twisted into mangled bodies—_

Rey scrambled back to full awareness of her surroundings, slamming the force connection shut from within her with all the mental violence she could muster. How could she be so stupid? Letting herself _go,_ letting herself _feel_ when that… monster was out there, ready and waiting for…

Her hands shook, one still gripping Finn.  

Finn jolted to awareness too, eyes wide. “I… felt something.” He seemed half awed and half terrified. “What the hell was that something?”  

Did he see?

 “What… what did it feel like? I… Wow, um…” She blanked. Speech couldn’t seem to come.

 They’d just discovered Finn could feel the force, and all she could do was panic over a single word tossed from a villain? She shuddered, moving under the blanket.

“You okay, Rey?”

_Towering over her, ready to kill—and a deep-seated feeling in her chest that she would have killed him to protect herself, in that second, the person she thought she could save—_

“I…” She didn’t say anything for a few moments, only letting go of his hand when she spoke next. “Finn. I. I’m sorry. Do you want to talk tomorrow? I don’t feel well. If you aren’t sure about anything, ask Leia, alright? She at least knows a little space magic.”  

Finn gave her a doubtful glance, but nodded. “Okay, Rey. If that’s what you want. You need anything?”

She shook her head. “I’ll be alright, Finn. But thank you.”

 

* * *

 

 

                It would be another week until they reached a safe system, Leia told her as they prepared for bed. (Or: Leia went to bed, Rey would read until her eyes blurred too much to continue and met something close to a half-slumber.)

                Rey flipped to a chapter of one of the Jedi books, ignoring the long-winded introduction referencing several works of Jedi academia she did recognize from several hundred years ago, as well as the chapters of the history of the Jedi starting from the time eternity began. _Emotion, yet peace,_ it read. _Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity._ “Any planet in mind?”

                “We’re discussing several options, but we won’t know until we receive correspondence back.” Leia sighed, and took a sip of water. She seemed so tired. “There’s a few garden planets I’m hoping for, given their resources and potential to help, but… right now, we’re looking at desert and an ice world.”

                _Chaos, yet harmony…_ “Garden planets, go for the garden planets.”

                Leia smiled. “Luke was from a desert planet, you know.”

                Rey raised her eyes from the dusty tome. “Really?”

                “He was from the middle of nowhere in a little planet no one cared about. He started off as a moisture farmer, of all things. Practically a nobody.”

                Rey gasped, although Leia didn’t seem to notice. The older woman seemed to be reminiscing. “Han and I used to tease him about it, after everything. I was a princess and Han was a scoundrel, and Luke was a farm boy from the sticks. And now…” She sighed again. “I always knew I’d be the last one to go.”

                “I’m sorry, Leia.”

                “That’s kind of you, Rey. Don’t worry about me. You just worry about that Jedi nonsense, and I’ll manage the rest.” She pointed one finger at the book. “Study up, kid. Those ancient Jedi mantras aren’t going to learn themselves.”

                Rey continued down the page.

_Death, yet the Force._

* * *

 

Sleep came as Rey had finished a chapter on Jedi dress codes, which, to a scholar of ancient religions, might have been deeply fascinating, but to her, they were almost meaningless. (She did not think the secret to defeating the First Order had anything to do with apprentice braids or color schemes for robes.)  

Unfamiliar words and phrases popped into her head, as she drifted off. _Padawan. Midichlorians._ Strange words made a chain that lulled her into a rest.

                Her dreams were the usual: strange landscapes she’d never been to, half-obscured faces of people she presumed to be her parents, a pit within her, cold and twisted and empty. Some scenes were new- Snokes, the warriors in the red armor, the force pushing her around like a toy…

Sand slipped between her fingers. Familiar. The night sky was devoid of starlight or its moons. Black silhouettes against the midnight blue sky cast deeper shadows into the sands. She walked along a ridge, in the dimness of the gloom. Two figures followed her, their footprints heavy and careless. Rey moved faster, towards a blue glow in the deep hills of the landscape.

The figures lurked behind her, wraiths of memories with no context. She started to run into the caverns; crimson salt deposits stuck out like spikes from the interior. It was viscera of the earth, clogged with broken fighters and racers in its belly. Like bloody bones.  Her foot caught, and Rey tripped endlessly over the rusted machinery. The figures were catching up, grabbing at her robe, her hair. They had no faces, no eyes. Just humanoids, trying to drag her down into the sand.

(Down into the pit, where the darkness was stirring after its long sleep within the earth. Where the waves reached up to caress her wounds with their salt water.)

The weight of the lightsaber was noticeable now in her pocket.

“You can do it, you know. Stop them.” There he was. As always. A ghost in all black robes. The same sullen pale face, the scraggly hair. It disturbed her to know there was muscle underneath his clothing. Rey was drowning. Sand was up to her waist, her arms refusing to pull her up, her staff discarded. “Let them go. Make your past go away.”

It was a deep voice. A familiar voice. One she thought she could have saved.

Her voice was a hiss as it came out. Sand pushing on her chest. “Just because you’re a murderer doesn’t mean I am.”

“What did you think you were doing with those knights, Rey? Temporarily stopping their life force with your toy?”

This was what Rey could never tell, if it was a dream or force manipulation. Either way, it was entirely unnecessary. “Go away!”

“Now now. Is that any way to help my newest _padawan?”_

“Go AWAY.”

“You’re nothing without me, Rey.”

 

* * *

 

               

                Rey woke up the way she always woke up recently: panicked, sweating, and full of fear and anger.

                 

               

 

 


	2. Sense

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finn reflects on the force and his force sensitivity. He spends some quality time with Poe and meets a mysterious figure in the Millennium Falcon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't written from a man's perspective in like... 4 years, so apologies if Finn and Poe are OOC.

 

FINN

 

                Growing up in the galaxy meant hearing about the Jedi: about Luke Skywalker, Darth Vader, Yoda, and Darth Sidious. Every child had been told tales of daring laser sword battles and seemingly magical powers by their parents, siblings, or any adult trying to pry children into behaving by telling them Luke Skywalker always listened to his betters before he became a Jedi master. Children on every habitable planet picked up sticks and made noises. That, in a single concept, was galaxy culture.   

                Finn heard most of these stories from the child soldiers in the First Order barracks. It passed the time between trainings, at least. They would talk about Luke Skywalker and his big colorful lightsabers, or Darth Vader (a more First Order-approved hero) but they also told Finn of lesser-known information, in between bites of bland rations. “They say the Jedi had these parasite things inside them, that made the force talk to them,” A scruffy-looking girl in his squad had told him once, “You had to have them to be a Jedi.” She’d been laughed at, but she pressed on without flinching. “Darth Vader had over a million.”

Another time, an older squad mate had expressed frustration with the Jedi, saying that their grandmother had a long memory and everything hadn’t been perfect. “Those are nice stories but the Jedi have been dysfunctional for well over a century, maybe since they started. They weren’t allowed to develop attachments or fuck or get married. They’re weird as shit.”

                Finn admittedly thought being a Jedi sounded less cool after hearing that. He never took any of these tales seriously, however. He was a stormtrooper. Stormtroopers weren’t force sensitive, didn’t go on adventures, or have a place on a cosmic scale. Stormtroopers shot things and got shot at.

 

* * *

 

               

But then, Finn had felt the Force for himself.

                It had appeared like a slow awakening, a trickle of awareness; first Rey’s hand, warm and dry against his palms, next the circulating air around them. _Life._ He was connected, to the feeling of skin against his and the air that that filled his lungs. The force was _in_ Rey but also all around Rey, and around him, and around everyone. Finn was in his body, in that moment. There was no detachment between him and reality and the way Rey held his hand. It was- exhilarating and new and exciting-

                And then, as he was sitting on Rey’s bed, a sudden wild presence bled into Finn.

                It was almost indescribable. It was anxiety. It was a chill. It was this… malevolent… _power_ , making itself be felt within his mind. He knew it wasn’t interested in him, no more than a predator is interested in a small animal after it had its fill, somehow. (He could just _feel_ it.) And yet it rubbed its shoulders against him all the same. Finn tried to shut it out. He closed himself off, deliberately trying to unfeel and be extremely out of his body. No connection. Nothing.

                It stopped.

                He opened his eyes.

Rey had hunched over herself. Shoulders taunt, one eye twitching. Somehow her hair had come undone, becoming a chestnut tangle around her shoulders. She’d broken out into a sweat. (So had Finn.) Her breathing was shallow, uneven. Perspiring hands had become a death grip on his, and to his surprise he was meeting her back in fright.

                “I… felt something. What the hell was that something?”

“What… what did it feel like? I… Wow, um…”

  _It felt like coming home into my skin and then it felt like mute terror condensed into 30 seconds._ She must have seen it too. Felt the being of Force pull them in, sinking them down like a gravity well. And she was just as terrified as he was.

That scared him more than anything else.

“You okay, Rey?”

 “I…” Her voice wavered. She let go of his hand. “Finn. I. I’m sorry. Do you want to talk tomorrow? I don’t feel well. If you aren’t sure about anything, ask Leia, alright? She at least knows a little space magic.” Her eyes were wide and not meeting his. 

Rey was a hundred percent not okay, he noted.

He’d seen this before, when he was a stormtrooper. Soldiers would go out and come back battle-shocked. They’d insist they were fine, it was the First Order, after all, but he knew better. “Okay, Rey. If that’s what you want. You need anything?”

There was a wound in her eyes, that Finn would have given anything to make go away. “I’ll be alright, Finn. But thank you.”

 

* * *

 

               

                Finn couldn’t sleep. Too much had happened. He paced the corridor of the Millennium Falcon, making his way through drowsy conversations between resistance members, weaving in and out of weapons and rations.

Rose was still drifting in and out of unconsciousness- Finn had no idea how he was going to handle any of that- on a makeshift bed in the main area of the shift. She stirred sometimes, and said a few words here and there, but she would always slip back into a deep sleep. A redheaded woman tended to her, adjusting machines and running numbers on her holopad. “How’s she doing?”

                The woman looked up, and he could see the fatigue in her eyes. The same fatigue that everyone on the ship seemed to have. “She’ll make it, but we need to restock our supplies. Soon. We’re running out of IV fluids.”

                “Yeah… thanks for looking after her, by the way.” The woman nodded and returned to the holopad.

                A sense of unease filled Finn. How long were they going to be in space? Had General Leia found a suitable planet? What would happen if they didn’t find anywhere? Would they just be lost in space forever, slowly losing resources and food in a cold vacuum?

He’d feel better if he ate, he told himself.

The force monster was probably Kylo Ren, Finn decided as he sat down with his slightly-better-than-First-Order-rations. Snoke was dead. He didn’t know any other Sith lords, or ex-Jedi bad guys, or any other especially awful Force users. As far he knew, no other force beings existed. The Force was in Finn now, and surely it would be in other people, but something that powerful and terrifying was most likely Kylo Ren, grandson of Darth-fucking-Vader and destroyer of over millions of credits in First Order property.

The stormtroopers had held Kylo somewhere between disgust, amusement, and fright. He was a rabid dog with a lightsaber in their eyes, off the record. (On the record he was their great and powerful leader, master of the Knights of Ren, Snoke’s chosen protegee, etc etc.) Finn had never truly interacted Kylo before he’d defected, beyond Kylo barking him a few orders.

To think, the 30-year old man throwing tantrums in the hallways of Star Killer Base was some kind of Force monster. Of course he was. He _was_ Snoke’s chosen protegee.

“Finn?”

Finn looked up from the bottle of soy material he was drinking, to see Poe and BB-8 in the act of sitting down next to him. Er. Poe sat down, BB-8 spun around on the ground excitedly. “Where’d you go during dinner? We had soy-drink _and_ some dried fruit, you’re missing out.”

                Now that Finn knew he had even a glimmer of Force potential, he was unsure of how to bring this up. “I uh, was talking to Rey.”

                “Oh? Is that what they call it now? I’m hurt, Finn. I thought we had something.” Poe squeezed his arm, and a devilish smile lit his face. It was good to see him smile, at least, as he’d mostly been brooding around the Millennium Falcon for their retreat into deep space. “You know, when a pilot gives a man his jacket…”

                Finn was sure Poe was messing with him, but he felt flustered all the same.  “Hey now…”

                “It looks good on you, you know.”

BB-8 gave him a little light thumbs-up again.

                That’s just what Finn needed, Poe messing with him along with a crush on Rey and Rose confessing her love for him. “ _Anyways,_ Rey says BB-8 would need to be force-sensitive for him to wield a lightsaber.”

                Poe took his hand away and held it to his chest, wounded. “Are you saying my droid isn’t force-sensitive?”

                “I’m just repeating the Jedi.”

The lightness left Poe’s expression at those words. “How is Rey?”

 _We’re both terrified of Force monsters, and she actually has the background to understand it._ “We talked about Jedi stuff. She seemed kind of tired though, so we didn’t talk long. We uh…” How to bring up Force sensitivity? Poe gave him a look, and this time it wasn’t teasing. “She asked if I could feel anything with the force.”

Poe’s eyes were so dark and intense, now full-on brooding at him in intense focus. It was a marked contrast to Rey, whose eyes seemed to catch light within them. “And?”

“Well… I guess I felt something.”

“ _You felt something?_ ”

“It wasn’t huge or anything. It was just… this awareness. It’s not like I lifted up rocks or did force lightening or something.”

“But still! If you can learn it… either that means you’ve always had it, or the force can be taught…”

“Uh… yeah, I really couldn’t tell you if…”

“I’ll need to talk to Leia about this, this could turn everything around. If we can just… Finn!” Poe embraced him suddenly. Finn, still holding his soy-drink, gazed up at the suddenly envigored man. “Finn, if you can learn the Force, then maybe, just maybe…” He released Finn and stood up. “I need to go, okay?”

Poe left. BB-8 sort of gave Finn a concerned beep, and then followed quickly at its master’s heels.

 

* * *

 

 

Finn’s bedroll was next to Poe’s, although Poe was not back by the time Finn had crawled into it in attempt to sleep. For a moment he just laid there, staring up at the ceiling. When he had awoken that morning, no one was hoping for his minute force-sensitivity to save the resistance. And now… well, maybe Leia would set Poe straight.

His mind drifted and his thoughts became less coherent. Images flashed into his mind; the forest, the lightsaber in his cold hands, Kylo Ren stalking towards him in the snow, Luke on Crait with bloody salt falling behind him, a blue light outlining hands…  a blue face, long hair…

A blue figure, gesturing towards Finn, its flowing robes towering over his resting form. _Come,_ it seemed to say.

Finn reached out his hand, and the figure vanished.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is a VERY small cameo from a completely unrelated series 
> 
> Reviews always appreciated!


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